Revisions

1.Changing the World

In a world where opinions are wealth
and different ideas are expressed with open minds
where judgment didn't exist
and being different from everyone else is okay


In a world where no fighting came about
where peace was worldwide instead of
all battling against each other for
years and years on end


In a world where everyone is equal
where skin color didn't mean anything
but different shades on the color wheel
and we were all in this together


In a world where we help one another
fight through the troubles that may come along
where we all come together as one and
take on the world as it comes at us




2. A Lesson Learned
Start off with a dash of never certain

And always second guessing things

A cup of honesty and knowing when I’m at fault

Make sure to add a big heart and a wild soul

With a teaspoon of young teenage life

Mix together a sorry voice

With trying to find out where I belong still

Don’t forget a sprinkle of innocence and

A cup of freedom

Take out 25 years to life if found

Guilty and now place home safe and sound

2. One of your poems, A Lesson Learned, was a close runner-up for publication.  Some of your lines were absolutely brilliant, especially the beginning of the poem.

Start off with a dash of never certain/and always second guessing things.....

The rhythm is perfect, the language original, I fell in love with this poem.  I did not choose it for publication because I thought the end did not live up to the beginning, and in fact was a bit confusing.  Maybe a word was missing?  Not sure.....

Anyway - I would also change the title of this poem (it looked like a prompt), and fix the end, and you have a great poem!

3. Unfinished Me 
Start off with a dash of never certain

And always second guessing things

A cup of honesty and knowing when I’m at fault

Make sure to add a big heart and a wild soul

With a teaspoon of young teenage life

Mix together a sorry voice

With trying to find out where I belong still

Don’t forget a sprinkle of innocence and

A cup of freedom

Bake until the court dismisses and the

clock has finally stopped facing back toward me

 take a big bite to a lesson learned

4. I think my revised poem is honestly so much better than my original piece. Mimi definitely made complete sense with what she said about changing my ending to my poem she was right it really didn't make much sense with the rhythm of the whole poem. I changed the whole ending of my poem to try to match it up with the rest of the poem and changed the title too. I think my title makes a better fit with the whole poem itself instead of " A lesson learned". I was really surprised when she said my poem was a real close runner up to being published I never thought that it was really grab her attention since it was a poem that I didn't really work as hard as I did with some of my other ones.